relocation

It has taken several months of difficult, draining work, and severe overtaxing of physical capabilities, but we have finally relocated from Kansas to Montana, where we are living with a close friend while we try again to complete the application for disability process. It is much, much easier to do here than in KS, which is the hardest state to get approved in, and they make the process as difficult as possible on purpose, which is incredibly difficult to deal with when you have major depressive disorder and severe anxiety disorders like we do.

Both for mental health reasons, and financial ones, this is a massive step in the right direction for us. And I have to say, looking at the presidential election right now, I have never been more glad that I am now living in a state which borders Canada. But no longer living with my parents helps too, despite them doing their best to help me in my situation, they don’t truly understand my mental illness or even that it is a mental illness, because of their religious viewpoint. It’s a draining effort to both deal with it and try to make them understand at the same time. A great deal of my anxiety issues have quieted down simply due to the fact that we are here instead of stuck there in that hellhole trap of a state.

My friend here has many of the same mental and physical problems that we do, so she does understand, and both of us having Aspergers means that we understand each other better than we understand others or they understand us. It helps to have a true supportive environment, and it’s a good thing both for her and for us, we can support each other. Once we recover from the truly massive rebound effects of overstressing to the limit, both physically and mentally, to accomplish the move, we hope to have more time to devote to writing and online pursuits.

It’s unfortunately been a long time since we had the energy to keep this blog updated in any coherent way, but hopefully that will get better as well. In the meantime, blissfully relieved to have pulled it off and made it here, as we truly weren’t sure we could do it up until the very last day. But we did do it, and we are here, and now we can truly begin to recover.

Bridge Symbolism

As we particularly enjoy the symbolism of bridges in tarot, I found this breakdown and view very inspiring, indeed. ~Rien

The View from a Drawbridge

Having worked on drawbridges for over 12 years, I’ve come to know how strongly many people feel about bridges in general. Just publish your plans to demolish or replace one, and brace yourself for the public outcry. People love to walk and jog across bridges, and many’s the time I’ve witnessed marriage proposals. Fishermen often have their regular spots staked out, and people love to hop out of their cars during bridge openings to enjoy the weather. For some inexplicable reason, the mentally ill are drawn to bridges as well.

Another strange thing about bridges is that people view them as bigger barriers than regular streets, even if they are fixed span bridges with no chance of causing a delay. People will not hesitate to take a 10 minute drive on an interstate which has the same length of road without exits as even the largest of bridges possesses, but…

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CT Leadership Journal article: learning about consent & abuse

so it seems at least a few evangelical churches are finally starting to wake up and ask the hard questions and recognise that they are – regrettably, and hopefully something that will change in the future – not even in a position to make the call on whether or not /any/ kind of abuse has happened, and get the proper authorities involved to make the investigation, and be willing to deal with the consequences of asking the hard questions even when the asking, and the answers, may make everyone extremely uncomfortable.

preventing even one child, and potentially more, from abuse and learning as a community how better to respond and react to it is worth whatever kind of upset is caused among the adults. there needs to be much, much more of this kind of response and much, much less of the usual silencing, ‘handling it quietly in-house’, and victim blaming and shaming that is so endemic in churches of every kind.

What’s Wrong With a Hug?

When a child in our church complained about an adult volunteer’s physical affection, we faced a difficult decision.

Voter ID laws and judges supposedly ‘legislating’ from the bench

My sister posted on facebook today about Texas’ Voter ID law, one of many pushed through in the wake of SCOTUS gutting the Voting Rights Act, getting thrown out by a federal judge, commenting the usual ‘you have to show ID for X and X, why not to vote? That is judges legislating, right there.’ I sighed, and pinched the bridge of my nose, and we debated for about five minutes whether to say anything at all. Whether to simply post a link to Hillary’s speech about making voting easier in all states in general – which would be ignored, probably without comment.

This is one of the few sisters that I don’t have a strained relationship with, partly because we avoid talking about our politics, and social justice, like the plague around my family – they are all hardcore right wing, to a greater or lesser degree, my dad the most so, but all pretty much in tea party land and I…we are pretty damn far left. Much further left than Obama, or most of the Democrats to be honest. So we do not talk about politics to my family. Regardless of whether their reaction is anger or contempt, ridicule or lecturing on how we are wrong and they are right, it’s pretty much just useless.

However. For some things, sometimes, you just have to stand up and be counted. As it has been said, my feminism will be intersectional, or it will be bullshit. Here is my reply, copied as is, though I may add more to it later when I am not half dead from sleep deprivation.

beliefs as a collective

I had been meaning to do a post for awhile here to follow up the other one, on what specifically each of us believes, because all our spiritual/religious beliefs are as different as everything else about us – the only thing we really think the same on is sociopolitical issues. However, I (Kagi) ended up writing a very long comment here on an atheist blog which attempted to summarise our collective beliefs, that is, roughly what we believe as the All, the Tiramorn Narmacil Isilelenya collective.

So I will repost that comment here, and do a followup later with more detail about each of us individually. Having come from a fundamentalist background, and having expressed ourself on the blog in the past as ‘Christian’, I just want to emphasise that our beliefs have been growing and changing as we also grow and change, and having given up on trying to find any common ground with our family, there’s no point in using conciliatory language anymore. We no longer consider ourself Christian, partly because we feel triggered by sharing the label with people who hate us, and partly because it just isn’t true.

We’re universalist, really, and retain some xtian beliefs as part of that, but I’m pretty sure most ‘Christians’, including our science-denying, queer-unaffirming family, would consider us heretics. We don’t care. All we seek is truth.

So, here is the comment, slightly edited for clarity:

just a quick notice

I have been ‘coming out’ recently to my friends and family as a functioning multiple, meaning I have a number of alternate personalities, non of which are dysfunctional or dangerous; there are six of us, in fact. I’ve also updated my profile and About page to reflect this. In coming out, we have needed to change not only the way we refer to ourself, but the way that we refer to our sexuality and gender identity, because all six of us are different on these matters. We also have different views on religion, but generally agree about social issues. As the All, the collective, we are trans non-binary and effectively bisexual, preferring (along with Kagi and Ilka) the ze/zem/zyr pronouns, though Kagi is used to being taken for female and doesn’t mind she/her, and Ilka has recently, for various reasons, allowed the use of he/him for zemself.

First there is me, Kagi, I am the ‘front’, the face and the voice, and I am the one who usually speaks for the All, when we want to express ourself collectively, not as individuals. I tend to switch pronouns between I/me and we/us when what I am saying overlaps with the All (we all do this, I think), and switch completely to multiple pronouns when I am speaking for the All.

reblog: The clobber verses of slavery and the slavery of clobber verses

The clobber verses of slavery & the slavery of clobber verses.

This seems particularly apt, in the wake of the shooting, and in the general unrest between white America and those desperate to demand it recognise that #BlackLivesMatter, where each clash of police and protestors seems almost to sound a call to arms, where on twitter now there is a reminder #WeWillShootBack, to remember that the last time racism drove us to arms, it was over defense of theology. A theology that held that scripture condoned and even commanded slavery – and thus biblical literalism was born. All of evangelicalism has followed in its wake, and since there never has been a definitive argument won between the literalists and those who take a broader, more nuanced look at all of scripture and interpret it’s principles as unilaterally leading to justice, mercy, grace, and peace. Equality, freedom, and hope for all. Literalism denies all this. It must, for those are the roots of it, the very basis of it’s existence. If we are to come to terms with racism in this country, white america, religious right america, must turn it’s back on the theology of slavery, and reach for the freedom, hope, and grace that the theology of equality offers. Only then can we admit, how wrong our forefathers were, and how shamefully their racist legacy lingers in the institutions, the very foundations of our society.

see also: Three strikes against white evangelical theology & Slavery segregation and biblical literalism contd

reblog: Jurassic Church World: The Nearing Extinction of Dinosaur Christians

I’ve been saying for years that Evangelical Christianity is built on and made of fear, fear and more fear, with power and control a close second. Fundamentalism becomes God, the Bible an object of worship instead of a guide. Legalism becomes a necessity. They must control everything, or the fear takes over. And the fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering….that is truth. It is true – and it is not Christian. Perfect love casts out fear. Evangelicals left that behind a long time ago, when they betrayed themselves and their communities for the promise of power and money. And they got it, and it corrupted everything they profess to believe in. Megachurches, rich celebrity ‘pastors’, and the wedding of religion and politics…none of this follows the things that Jesus taught were most important. You have lost your heart, evangelicals, and you are very near to losing your soul as well, if it is not already lost. But you will not hear this message, or take heed of it, until it is too late.

john pavlovitz

Dinosaurs still walk among us; those loud, lumbering, living relics of the distant past.

They spring from the shadows every once in a while, in furious, blustery fits meant to inspire fear in the hearts all those within earshot, but instead they only yield pity. These, after all are not the confident displays of strength from a vital, dominant life force, but the last, desperate gasps of a scared, dying animal.

Evangelical Christianity in America is facing certain extinction.

Not Jesus of course, and not the beautiful, peacemaking, power-checking, justice-seeking, bigotry-busting, healing heart of the Gospel that he carried and delivered by hand to a hurting world. That endures, it persists, it has no shelf life, no expiration date. It is meteor-proof.

What is going away is the oversized, cumbersome, angry religion that has had the run of the landscape for far too long. It’s a bloated theology of fear…

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reblog: how Josh Duggar is getting away with it

Yessss alll of this.

on atheism, and whether or not God is mute

This is from a comment I posted on a discussion here, an article discussing Victoria Osteen’s recent controversy. I’ve little to no interest in that in itself; I clicked mainly to see what kind of reactions supposed Christians were having. Morbid curiosity, I suppose. Predictably, there were in the comments apparent Christians both supportive (few) and (mostly) critical, most of them attempting to enforce their views with scripture, as if that made any difference to the people they were arguing with, often the predictable other people decrying the idea of religion as a whole and declaring there is no God, disgusted with the people who claim to represent it. I can sympathise. One of these exchanges caught my eye, because it touched on something very personal to me; the question of why God seems silent, or even not there, nonexistent, and how others seem to find him speaking in everything they see.

I was the former, and became the latter, by a long, rough road; being LGBT and a liberal feminist, I was of the opinion that there was nothing in religion for me, only judgement and pain. I rejected Christianity, and in fact, faith of any kind at the beginning of my journey. I do not judge anyone at any stage on that road, whether they ever proceed upon it or not. Belief or non-belief is a very personal thing, often informed by painful or harsh experience with those who say they are religious, which is what I expanded on in my comment. The link above goes to the comments I replied to, I will quote them here for those who may not wish to follow unwieldy links, to an irrelevant article.

I saw only the top visible comments, and did not expand the thread, only replying to the third person directly. 

reblog: God on the sidelines

This is pretty much exactly the same things I have been sorting through, and I’ve come to much the same conclusions. It’s not a perfect metaphor, but it definitely works.

journey into a larger world: theistic evolution

From a letter to my father:

More on this later, but a couple of quick things here. (okay, ended up being both more and later, not so quick and not just a couple 8D) You asked what was the evidence that I considered in coming to accept evolution as part of the creation process. This is kind of a basic overview of how I got there; I don’t remember the specific places I read different things.

I had a vague, conscious cognitive dissonance for quite a long time, wherein I believed what I’d always been told about YEC (young earth creationism), but had a secondary nebulous belief in an ancient earth and the idea of evolution – dinosaurs and cavemen and so on. In the beginning I think it was just because I liked the idea, I thought it was cool; also, what I learned even from creationists about the geologic record seemed to make more sense that way. To me, a Flood, even a global one, couldn’t account for everything. I thought that these two beliefs were incompatible, and this troubled me faintly, but not enough to bother doing something about it.

The thing that first started me looking into it was when I had gotten to the point of questioning everything, which allowed ideas to occur to me which I might otherwise have resisted, and I was studying historical linguistics and language families, proto-Indo-European and other superfamilies, how different languages are related to one another, how they’ve grown and evolved over time. It was triggered by an old book I found called The History of the English Language, and the first few chapters were a detailed examination of PIE and Germanic descent therefrom. I was fascinated; it was like Tolkien’s languages, only moreso and real. This was when I began doing a really in depth examination of the work that’s been done in comparative linguistics, really heavy technical stuff so I won’t go into detail.

I realised that suddenly, I knew for certain that the Tower of Babel, if it happened, hadn’t happened the way it was written. Couldn’t have, it was not possible. It was a myth, a legend that had been exaggerated, or an allegory of some kind, but it wasn’t literal. There was no way, and there was proof in the linguistic record. These languages were organically evolved out of just a handful or even one common ancestor, every language in the history of the world if you go back far enough.

They were not artificially confused; even if God was some kind of divine conlanger, the languages themselves and the historical record of them contradicts it. That just, simply, is not what happened. This is my particular passion or obsession in the study of languages, tracing back their lineage – it’s fascinating, and obvious if you know what you’re doing. Historical and comparative linguistics is where I would like to specialise my field of study if I ever manage to get my degree.

living antitheticality

So Matthew Vines has written a book, now, expanding on the ideas in his video The Gay Debate, which is good, because damn did it need some expanding. As it was, I didn’t feel confident that anyone I linked it to would find enough evidence in it to have his words actually be considered instead of dismissed with the kind of condescension we usually get from people who call themselves ‘Bible believing Christians’, as if there were any other kind. You know who I mean – the inerrantists, the literalists, which I have ranted about here before so moving on. Samantha’s post here makes a lot of great points, and I’m happy to see her footnote at the end because I do think it’s very important for that to be addressed; this is not a binary any more than it is a zero sum game, and bisexuals exist too.

The idea that being gay is antithetical to being Christian is something that needs to be confronted head on, like any institutionalised lie, and while like Samantha, I found Matthew’s video talk to be somewhat lacking in that department, because there is so much more that could be and should be said, it sounds like the book rounds it out some. So anyone who believes that the Bible does not leave room for any acceptance of us in any frame of reference…read it.

If you care about intellectual honesty and whether or not you might possibly be wrong about your interpretation of what the Bible says about us gay people, that is. If you don’t know any gay people that you care about, or you don’t care about finding out why many Christians, even people who have ‘a high view of Scripture’ (gag me, please) and a traditional evangelical background can find room for saying, being gay is not a sin, being gay and in a relationship is not a sin, and these are the verses why, then go on about your gay-hating business and keep your fingers in your ears singing lalala.

But make no mistake: it is hate that you are entertaining when you insist to us that our very existence is a sin, contrary to our own lived experience. It is harmful. It is causing pain and suffering when you try to suppress and oppress us within your own subculture, and even outside of it, just because you believe that being gay is a sin, whether you admit that we don’t have a choice in it or not. We know the tears of blood and agony that we have shed over this, the grief and fear and desperation, whether or not we’ve managed to hold on to some kind of faith or left it all together. The legions of us that you have driven out or driven away, the legions of us who have survived with scars and depression, the legions of us who have not survived but rather committed suicide due to brokenheartedness, discrimination and bullying will testify to the fact that your belief, however sincerely you believe it, is harmful, it is actively causing harm, and therefore should not remain unexamined.

And if you examine it, honestly and carefully, in the light of truth, in light of the fact that the verses you cling to in order to justify your position are manifestly mistranslated and/or misinterpreted – and I am a linguist, I know whereof I speak, I am not taking anyone’s word for this, it is fact – then you must judge for yourself whether or not you are letting your own ‘tree of theology’ or belief bear bad fruit. Whether or not you are in violation of the second Greatest Commandment. Are you loving your neighbour as yourself? Are you letting your pride of conviction, your pride in being ‘right’, stand in the way of love and truth? Are you living the message of grace and mercy that Jesus himself extended to those who were looked down on, marginalised and outcast in his own time? I think not.

He has shown you, o man, what is good and what the Lord requires of you; but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God. 

reblog: femininity and figure skating

From this post by Dianna E Anderson, she covered all the egalitarian and femininity aspects quite thoroughly and you should read it all, but I wanted to poke specifically at this:

What Ensor reads as complementarianism is actually strict gendered roles that frequently confine and box in female athletes who take to this sport – it is not necessarily an example of complementing strengths in the vein of theological gender roles. Rather, pairs figure skating acts as an example of the tired preservation the double burden that women face – the need to be unbelievably feminine while also having enough strength to perform at the same level as men. Ensor’s shallow reading fails to contextualize what we are actually seeing, and therefore missing larger points about the ways in which gender is performed and how these pairs work in mutuality, not complementarity. He is imposing his worldview onto an idea that resists such a reading at every turn, a practice indicative of a larger desire to simplify the stories that surround us every day.

Unfortunately, when all you see is the literal surface, simple is all you’ll get.

 

oh the ways in which this allegory or whatever of Ensor’s exemplifies the way that complementarians view everything through a skewed lens that imposes what they want to see at a surface level onto what is actually there, and then take it at that shallow, flat face value and insist that it is all there is. skating is bad enough, but they do this to literally everything they touch or look at.

the fact that they do this to the bible makes me want to weep and scream and explode with rage purely as a linguist before we even get to the insult to faith part. there are so many layers, so much rich depth and so many angles to look at things from, so much history and tradition encompassed and implied, and the prism of languages that we read it through is only one of the things that texturizes and colours it. it’s an amazing text, purely as an ancient text, whether you believe it or not. that only adds more layers, if you will.

but they smash it all ruthlessly, mercilessly flat and blithely ignore everything about it that makes it unique and instructive for a christian life. empty and shallow and ultimately, lifeless and dead. a thinly sliced shadow of it’s true light and possibility.

and yet ANOTHER internet controversy!: going to church

so much word. aside from also having the health problems, the sliver of faith that I currently maintain is so very dependent on staying out of church and other ‘religious’ activities as much as possible.

The Blogging Community Takes on the Destructive Subculture of the Homeschool Movement

My main thought upon reading this article was ‘so that’s where the fear comes from.’ I knew that I grew up in an atmosphere that was permeated and surrounded by fear, and I even vaguely identified homeschooling and fundamentalism as the likely causes, with legalism being a separate problem that had the same causes. But I never really linked it that way before, that legalism IS fear, that is its only and inevitable result. Both the homeschooling and our church were steeped in legalism of various kinds, but if it had only been the church, it would have been far mitigated by a lot. Not nearly as entrenched and destructive as it became. Especially after we went the Gothard route and got into ATI, it was pure hell. We fortunately only followed that program for about two years, but the damage was lasting and intensive. I can’t imagine what it would be like for kids who were raised in it all the way. It kills your soul, not just ATI but all of it, the entire subculture in general is soaking in extra-Biblical legalism and patriarchy. You are stifled until you feel claustrophobic and you can’t breathe, no matter where you are or how open it is. God help you if you are born a woman.

Spiritual Sounding Board

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Bloggers are taking on the destructive subculture of the Homeschool Movement and calling homeschool leaders out for their extra-Biblical practices and abusive patriarchy.

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reblog: Homeschooling Blindspots

I am going to quote this article in it’s entirety, because it is so spot on with so many of the problems I had with homeschooling growing up, and how they affected me as an adult. Read this, anyone who has ever homeschooled or been homeschooled, especially my own parents. This is so many of the things I have been trying to say, things that hurt me deeply, I cried several times while reading it. Know that I do not resent it or you, I understand you just wanted the best, but the ways in which it was gone about were deeply counterproductive and very harmful to me, and to others that I know, probably even some of my siblings. The degree of control and legalism involved ended up amounting to spiritual and emotional abuse, even if it was never intended, that is sadly still the ultimate effect. Being forced into tiny little boxes that don’t fit you because you are ‘different’ than the ‘expected’ rigid norms will do that. Thanks to my sister Rachel for passing on the link. ♥

 

I read the following article by Reb Bradley in the Virginia Home Educator Magazineand was challenged by it. I appreciate Mr. Bradley’s humility in admitting mistakes he’s made as a dad. I see some of these tendencies in my own life and many of the observations he makes line-up with things that God has been teaching our church recently. Whether or not you homeschool, I’d encourage you to read this article prayerfully and ask the Holy Spirit to help you examine your motives in your parenting.

Exposing Major Blind Spots of Homeschoolers by Reb Bradley

In the last couple of years, I have heard from multitudes of troubled homeschool parents around the country, a good many of whom were leaders. These parents have graduated their first batch of kids, only to discover that their children didn’t turn out the way they thought they would. Many of these children were model homeschoolers while growing up, but sometime after their 18th birthday they began to reveal that they didn’t hold to their parents’ values.

Some of these young people grew up and left home in defiance of their parents. Others got married against their parents’ wishes, and still others got involved with drugs, alcohol, and immorality. I have even heard of several exemplary young men who no longer even believe in God. My own adult children have gone through struggles I never guessed they would face.

Most of these parents remain stunned by their children’s choices, because they were fully confident their approach to parenting was going to prevent any such rebellion.

After several years of examining what went wrong in our own home and in the homes of so many conscientious parents, God has opened our eyes to a number of critical blind spots common to homeschoolers and other family-minded people.

reblog: An Open Letter to Justin Lookadoo

An Open Letter to Justin Lookadoo.

AMEN to all of this. There is nothing that pushes my buttons faster than ignorant people promoting rigid gender roles and stereotypes that are harmful to both men and women and do nothing but promote misogyny and rape culture. Too much of it being done in the name of ‘Christian’ teaching – and some of these quotes are disgusting, all of them are wrong. It’s not biblical, and it’s not reality. It’s toxic cultural programming enforcing, and it’s deadly to anyone who does not fit into the neat little preassigned boxes. Not everyone is the same, and all of us need to respect each other and our differences equally.

via reblog: An Open Letter to Justin Lookadoo.

On Christian Fundamentalism’s Ongoing Effort to Win Custody of Jesus

A great point about the fundamentalist ‘bunker mentality’, the habit of hunkering down defensively inside their insular group and labeling everything that is ‘other’ or ‘outsider’ as a threat, and intellectual pursuit doubly so. They want a bubble, a way to surround their subculture and insulate it entirely from ‘the world’, the outside, those that are different from them.

I grew up in that bubble, and when I broke free of it, I felt like Rapunzel leaving her tower. I grew up so isolated from everything that did not agree exactly with my parents beliefs, that it was the same to me as if I had grown up in a tower, cut off from everything around me and unable to explore or learn or grow in spirit. That is what this mentality ultimately does, in fact wants to do, to it’s children.

A stone prison with no key, no way out, no help and no hope. No life. This faith is barren.

Crystal St. Marie Lewis

I’ve been watching the controversy surrounding Reza Aslan’s new bestseller fairly closely. The book is called Zealot and it’s the latest of many titles to argue that Jesus was a revolutionary teacher, a man of prophetic vision, a political rabble-rouser and a devoutly religious Jew whose only real claim to divinity is found in the identity imposed upon him after his death. The author of this book has done what a variety of scholars have attempted to do: Separate for us the historical Jesus (the pre-myth person who lived a natural life in a real time and place) from the Jesus of doctrine—the eternalized celestial figure identified for generations all over the world as the Son of God.

I was first introduced to Dr. Aslan’s book one Friday morning while getting ready for work with the television within earshot. I was distracted by the protest of MSNBC host Joe Scarborough

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quick update

I am back from Montana, and I had an appointment with a new doctor on Wednesday, which I think went pretty well, and I am exhausted. But I had a good time, and feel a little more stable, so that’s good. I am working on conquering my inbox, which is crazy out of control. ;.;

Also, I’m working on setting up a facebook page for the blog, though I am extremely wary of linking it here – I don’t want this blog anywhere near facebook, really, because that is not staying under the radar. But I’ll think about it. Anyway, some of the topics I’ve been wanting to post about are more about biblical literalism and creationism, some thoughts on atonement theory, and a lot more on purity culture and obsessive ‘modesty’ standards. A few other things maybe, and I hope I’ll get to them soon.

The good news is the new doctor thinks I should be able to get off some of my meds, which tend to rust up my brain something awful. In the meantime, I’m tinkering with a facebook page just for pictures, since I have a habit of collecting them and spamming my timeline with them and it’s about time I just put them on a page which other people can follow too! so if you use facebook and you are interested in a stream of pretty, interesting, cool and/or beautiful things, you can check that out here, at Amadtja, which means ‘jewels’ (sort of), I think, but I am still working on that language so who knows. XD It’s not my first priority so it’s very incomplete, not even the grammar is finished. Now I am rambling so…have a good day, all!

questions are not blasphemy

“However, a Christian wishing to increase the gift of knowledge in a mature faith, must ask the same questions that skeptics ask.”   (from here, part of this response to Josh McDowell’s Evidence That Demands A Verdict)

YES. Exactly. I have always been a skeptic, I will always be a skeptic, and while I consider myself a person of faith (not necessarily a Christian, I dislike the label), I also will never stop questioning, examining, and analysing everything. This is not incompatible with faith, and it disturbs me a great deal to see how much of the Church, especially the American church, not only discourages but actively suppresses any questioning or critical thinking behaviour. Growing up with an intense need to question, examine, and understand through testing everything while being continually and hostilely slapped down and silenced, punished and harshly castigated for even considering trying to do so, was a deeply scarring experience.

I can’t really express the depth and breadth of the damage that did to me as a person with a desperate thirst for knowledge and information and a vast curiosity about all sides of any question or viewpoint, so I won’t try just now (some other time maybe), but I do want to add a couple of things about McDowell in specific. ETDV is severely lacking in a number of very crucial ways, and it rather distresses me that it is so popular and common a resource in Christian apologetics. It is hugely flawed in some vital areas that make it insupportable as a way to coherently defend the beliefs it espouses or to convince anyone of anything they don’t already believe; that is, it’s only real worth is in reassuring Christians who already believe these things that there are some arguments to support their beliefs.

However, it fails entirely as an objective scholarly, academic or research effort of any kind – it has zero intellectual integrity, or any other kind of integrity for that matter. The degree of sloppiness, lack of depth and failure to address salient points in many places, especially the frequent avoidance of counterarguments, combined with the pervasive omission of inconvenient facts and deceptive slanting of others is astonishing. It is utterly crappy, shoddy work as a serious investigation of ‘evidence’, reprehensible in it’s lack of journalistic/scientific ethics and grievously incomplete in it’s presentation of said evidence and conclusions.

At best, it is amateurishly incompetent and ignorant; at worst it is intentionally biased, dishonest and misleading. This should not be the standard; there are far, far better apologetic works out there. The book is not worth the paper it’s printed on. The entire thing is deplorable.

montana

Quick note for Deepa and anyone else wondering where I am – I am on vacation! A friend offered to fly me up to Montana for a much needed mental health holiday, so I am here for a few weeks yet. I will probably post at some point during that time, but if not, it is because I am busy doing things that are hopefully going to mean I am in a much better frame of mind when I come back. So, no worries this time! ❤

inscription of hope

One of the few extracurricular activities my parents ever managed with their homeschooling was a homeschool collective choir that ran for a couple years or so. Overall, it was not a bad experience, although we did more than a few songs I hated, there were also a couple that gave my soul a few much needed threads to hold on to.

The most powerful of these was Inscription of Hope, by Z. Randall Stroope. That link has the story of it, if you are not familiar with it; it came out of the Holocaust. This song was a small ray of pure light and a deep clean breath when I felt surrounded and suffocated by darkness, the first of a number of things in the next couple of years that I believe saved my life. These lyrics still come back to me, over and over, at times when I feel hopeless, and they always manage to give my spirit a little breathing room, a little air under my wings when the endless grey is dragging me down.

I don’t always remember them when I need them most, and I wish I thought of them more often, but there are times when they have been a lifeline.

I believe in the sun
even when it is not shining.
And I believe in love
even when there’s no one there.
And I believe in God
even when He is silent
I believe through any trial
there is always a way.
But sometimes in this suffering
and hopeless despair
My heart cries for shelter
to know someone’s there
But a voice rises within me saying
‘hold on my child’
I’ll give you strength, I’ll give you hope
Just stay a little while
I believe in the sun
even when it is not shining
And I believe in love
even when there’s no one there
And I believe in God
even when He is silent
I believe through any trial
There is always a way
May there someday be sunshine
May there someday be happiness
May there someday be love
May there someday be peace.

reblog: What Non-Christians Want Christians To Hear

What Non-Christians Want Christians To Hear.

I have more to say about this, but for now I am just going to copy my comments from facebook.

Most Christians, in my experience, don’t even know what love looks like, much less how to show it to people who are not like them. They don’t even know how to show grace to each other, let alone anyone else. And nearly all of them are massive hypocrites. In the process of finding my way to coming around to some sort of faith again, the hardest thing has been an utter loathing of the idea of calling myself a Christian or in any way identifying with that label. I’m pretty sure I’m never going to be comfortable doing that, even if I end up believing most of the same things. I’m a person of faith, and that’s about as far as I go. God I can deal with. But in general, I really can’t stand (specifically American, mostly evangelical) Christians. They’re doing a horrific job of representing their supposed saviour. And they don’t seem to really know him very well at all.

disclaimer: I have not met every Christian in the world, and not all of those I have met have been awful. but I find the loveless, graceless religiosity and legalism of the majority of those I have encountered incredibly distressing and completely incompatible with the two great commandments.

 

ETA: also relevant, Cory Booker is awesome:

“Before you speak to me about your religion, first show it to me in how you treat other people; before you tell me how much you love your God, show me in how much you love all His children; before you preach to me of your passion for your faith, teach me about it through your compassion for your neighbors. In the end, I’m not as interested in what you have to tell or sell as in how you choose to live and give.”

– Cory Booker, mayor of Newark, New Jersey [cc]

 

lyrics: hopeless (narquelion)

I’ve a lot of different things I’ve been wanting to post about, issues I have thoughts about, topics I’ve been meaning to get to, but it’s still been pretty rough here physically and mentally, and I just haven’t had the energy to spare. I’ll get to them, eventually, if for no other reason than this is mainly a thinking-out-loud blog and I am still thinking them through, but. for now, here is another bit of old lyrics. I hadn’t meant to post this one probably at all, but I’m doing it after all because. reasons. maybe later I will try to post something about that, but anyway.

this came out of a very dark time for me, and the story of how it got written and why is very complicated and fucked up and painful, even now, but at the heart of it, it’s not exactly about any of that. what this song is, really, is the last thread. it’s the core of my issues with hope, love, dreams, faith and life. it’s coming to the edge, when everything’s failing and fading again, at the last thin line before the inevitable bleakness, because the things you were promised were there to find and know and become never were real for you, always disappearing even if you thought….and realising again that nothing you’ve ever been told seems to have held, feeling betrayed and bewildered and so weary.

that everything feels like a lie, and maybe it is. there’s nothing left but grief and cynical anger, a crushed soul and questions no one cares to answer. but mostly, that you are alone, you will always be alone, and it was always going to be this way. you knew better really, than to hope.

I think a lot of us may have been there at some point. for me, when the question is why is faith and relationships so hard for me? the answer is this song. it doesn’t mean I don’t keep trying, but it does mean I have trust issues. believe me, I am aware of that.

——–

 

Why did you promise me forever
when you knew that it would only be
a matter of time
why did you let me think that anything
i ever really wanted could
last for a lifetime
but i have never been the innocent
you always thought i was
sometimes i think
that i have been old and weary
since the day that i was born
always doubting hope like
the sunrise comes with the morn
I’ve never trusted it, never trusted

every time i’ve dared to hope
i’ve found dreams
turned to ashes in my hand
every day i’ve lived
i’ve had to fight just to stand
and though i know there is really no one
but my fated stars to blame
i wonder anyway
what i’d do if the things i’ve waited for
ever really came

Why did you promise me forever
when you knew that it would only be
a matter of time
why did you let me think that anything
i ever really wanted could
last for a lifetime
but i have never been the innocent
you always thought i was
sometimes i think
that i have been
old and weary since
the day that i was born
i’ve never trusted, never trusted
never trusted

are you listening? do you see?
can you understand why i always
doubt that you love me?
can you feel why i fear this faith
that always leaves me cold
alone with my own demons
in spite of the promise i hold
and in the end i know that all i have is me
and no one sees
am i invisible?
do you see me?

9.25.04

A Public Statement Concerning Sexual Abuse in the Church of Jesus Christ

It’s about time, is all. Good idea, go sign! Even if it seems pointless to you, be a voice. There is far too much silence.

Spiritual Sounding Board

*     *     *

GRACE (Godly Response to Abuse in the Christian Environment) has released a statement regarding the ongoing problem of sexual abuse in the church and is collecting signatures.  This is a powerful statement.  Below is an excerpt:

We must face the truths of our own teachings: To be a shepherd in the body of Christ and blind to the knowledge that your sheep are being abused by wolves in your midst is to be an inattentive shepherd. To judge merely by outward appearances is a failure of righteousness. To fail to obey the laws of the land as Scripture commands by declining to report and expose abuse is to be a disobedient shepherd. To be told that wolves are devouring our lambs and fail to protect those lambs is to be a shepherd who sides with the wolves who hinder those same little ones…

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reblog: Rape Culture Round-up

Rape Culture Round-up.

Well, folks, it’s June 24, 2013, and I’d like to welcome you to a little feature I call “Rape Culture Round-up.”  Progress on the War on Women front?  Let’s just say any moves have been lateral at best, rather than forward.

We can start with this little gem from conservative talking head Laura Ingraham.  When discussing how Plan B (emergency contraception) will likely soon be available over the counter, she opines thusly: “ It’s a good deal for pedophiles, a good deal for people who commit statutory rape against young girls.”  Right.  Because rapists and pedophiles are FIRST AND FOREMOST concerned about the consequences of their actions for their victims.  And the mentality of a rapist is such that he’s worried if a pregnancy results from the rape, he might have to stick around and raise the kid.  Let’s completely ignore how the availability of Plan B (aka the “morning after” pill) might actually help or empower a person who’s the victim of a rape or pedophilia.  Don’t mention that, Laura.  Instead, let’s introduce one of my favorite techniques (employed by both sides of the debate, by the way) the…drumroll, please…the false comparison.  

“These girls can’t get their ears pierced, they can’t take an Advil at school without parental permission. Yet, they can go into a pharmacy in this Brave New World of women’s equality and — quote — reproductive health — and get a morning after pill…I think it empowers men who want to abuse women.”

Allow me to enlighten this debate by sharing that while girls can’t take an Advil at school without parental consent, they also can’t take the morning after pill at school with or without parental consent.  If and when girls CAN go into a pharmacy and buy the morning after pill without consent, so, too, can they buy Advil without consent.  I’m not sure Ingraham understands this, but a school is a different place from a pharmacy.  They operate differently and under different rules. It’s complicated, I know.

Here’s another little factoid for those fans of false comparisons.  Girls and women get their ears pierced and take Advil for different reasons than they might take the morning after pill.  So, for example, if a 38-year-old woman finds her birth control has failed, and for whatever completely legitimate reason she has (which, frankly, is none of your damn business) she is not likely to take Advil to prevent the potential pregnancy.  Neither will a 15-year-old rape victim, battered, bruised, in shock and traumatized decide the solution is to run to the mall to get her ears pierced so that she doesn’t become pregnant.  We take Advil when our back hurts from too much volleyball.  We get our ears pierced for fun and fashion.  We take the morning after pill to prevent a pregnancy for a variety of reasons (which, again, are none of your damn business.)

Furthermore, the concern Ingraham and the others at Fox News show that the availability of Plan B emergency contraception may “empower men who want to abuse women” is, shall we say, disingenuous.  If they were truly concerned about empowering men who abuse women, they’d be talking about the following things in today’s Rape Culture Round-up:

1.  The Anonymous hacker who helped expose the Steubenville rapists might get more jail time than the actual rapists.  Let’s hope not, but way to discourage disclosure and reporting of rape, justice system!

2.  Facebook’s misogyny problem.  Thanks to the highly publicized social media campaign that threatened to lose FB some big advertising dollars, Facebook is finally tiptoeing around the notion that pages entitled, “Raping your Friend Just For Laughs” and “Kicking your Girlfriend in the Fanny because she Won’t Make you a Sandwich” might constitute hate speech, rather than humor.  Pictures of women who have been pushed down the stairs, with the caption “Next time, don’t get pregnant” might not be permissible free speech.  DON’T, however – DO NOT – post a picture on FB of a woman breastfeeding.  It will be taken down because it is “indecent.”

3.  At Microsoft’s conference last week, one of the producers of (surprise, surprise) an extremely violent video game saw fit to make a rape “joke.”  In front of thousands.  To a woman.  A woman he was absolutely destroying and pummeling in this violent video game.  Yes, friends, he told her she liked it.  She said she didn’t.  He said, “Just let it happen.  It’ll be over soon.”  Hm.  The one bright spot is that this joke was not well-received by the audience, and the producer was quickly called out for it on Twitter – by a fellow Microsoft producer, and a male one at that.  Yes, in this case, the fact that the fellow producer was male is significant.  Makes it more of a Sister Souljah moment.

4.  Lindy West, a feminist and a comedian, spent a few minutes on a show discussing why comedy is not the most welcoming place for women.  Please click on this and watch the short video of her reading the responses she’s gotten for this in a post entitled, If Comedy Has No Lady Problems, Why Am I Getting So Many Rape Threats?”  Please do it.  I will wait.

Well, that was fun, wasn’t it?

5.  Republicans in Congress continue to bring the crazy to the debate on abortion laws making exceptions for women who are victims of rape and incest.  Yes, Trent Franks.  You’re right.  Chances of getting pregnant from rape are practically non-existent!  My unicorn agrees with you.  Now excuse me while I run to the store to pick up my light saber that has been repaired.  Have to slay those dragons, you know!

Now, if any of you are hearing Fox News covering these stories in ways that demonstrate genuine concern for women and the appropriate derision towards rape culture, please let me know.  Somehow, though, I doubt I’ll be hearing from many of you racing to Fox’s defense.

I will leave you, though, with an absolutely brilliant response one woman had to her personal experience with rape culture.  She received a full frontal naked picture of a man wanting to date her.  She took screen shots of the picture and resulting conversation.  And sent them to his mother.  Please click on this to see it. Please do it.  I will wait.

Well, that was fun, wasn’t it?

So, this ends today’s Rape Culture Round-up, folks.  While I hope I’ll never have to do another one of these, I know I will.  For as long as our society downplays the threats to women and enables rape culture, while simultaneously and perversely denying women the means to cope with the aftermath and/or control their reproductive lives, there will be a need for columns like this one.

This post originally published on The Broad Side on June 14, 2013.

via Rape Culture Round-up.

Pretty much, this. Yeah, all of it.

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lyrics: sinome i tyelesse iluo ~ here at the end of all things

I wasn’t planning to post this one, yet anyway, but it’s a bit timely. I’ve had a rough few weeks physically, and also been fighting severe depression again; it took me awhile to figure out why. Lows always come after highs, and I should have expected that realising, naming and confronting memories of abuse for what it is, coming out of the fog so to speak, means I am now having to process another load of emotional issues, things shifting and rearranging in my head and that always tends to get messy, it’s exhausting too. That these things happened, and they were wrong, but they did happen, and they caused these issues that I now have to accept and move on from…so now what? It’s a process, it takes a bit of time but acknowledgement and naming and defining is the first step, and then sorting through the fallout. So even if it’s ultimately a good thing, I shouldn’t be surprised if I’m spending some time feeling lost and broken and confused and alone.

This is a song I wrote when I was feeling that way another time, the last go-round when I was dealing with similar issues and that time I was lucky to have someone there to catch me, to hold my hand. But the lyrics could just as easily be about about God, if you want to look at it that way; to be down and fallen and have someone who knows you and will catch and hold your heart. They could, even, be an open plea to the universe to send you someone, who understands and knows. Whether you have a friend in the physical or the spiritual sense, or you just need one, I hope that these words give you just a little bit of hope, enough strength to at least reach out and ask for that hand to hold. This one I never recorded, though I think it’s very pretty and it’s one of the ones I can actually sing fairly decently, but for now it’s just the lyrics.

——

here i fall
(for my tarakurenka, who caught me. tara shin me thale, asfen me thlanta. etaran inda matol, mi asa shin. ♥)

this path that I have taken
has led me here
to where the death of dreams
leaves me on my knees, to crawl
splinters of my life surround
watching shadows drown
my memories
tonight, I couldn’t be more alone here
but

As my chains shatter and I fall
will you be the one
who knows me best of all
hear my call as i’m falling
catch my aching heart
let me dare, to dream again
see a way back to a new day
I pray

though ahead the road is dark
and it looks long
the hopeless weariness
bruising my torn soul, and I
watch the sky is growing light
rise defiant one more time
and here I stand
shackles holding me breaking one by one
and

As my chains shatter and I fall
will you be the one
who knows me best of all
hear my call as i’m falling
catch my aching heart
let me dare, to dream again
see a way back to a new day
I pray

will you be the one who knows my heart?
will you hear the song it sings
will you sing it back to me
when I can’t recall how to sing
will you catch me as I fall?

As my chains shatter and I fall
will you be the one
who knows me best of all
hear my call as i’m falling
catch my aching heart
let me dare, to dream again
see a way back to a new day
I pray…catch me as I fall, as I fall
As my chains shatter and I fall
praying as my world crumbles
you’ll be there
catch me when I fall, when I fall
As my chains shatter and I fall
catch me when I fall, when I fall
when I fall, here…I fall

20 jun 2005

living reminders of uncomfortable realities

Reblogging this, copying my (slightly edited) reply from the comments here:

My chronic pain is of a different sort, I had severe scoliosis as a child and had to have surgery just to save my life, as it was in danger of collapsing my lungs. I’ve had arthritis since I was 23, and still have enough curvature to cause muscle pain & spasms that require 24/7 pain medication – hydrocodone doesn’t work for me, neither does percocet, I built up immunity to both of them. I’m left with a combination of muscle relaxants, anti-inflammatories, & tylenol with codeine plus a bit of tramadol. All these combined just barely makes it manageable, most days, but like you I have days every month where I just curl up and feel like I’d be better off dead, and sometimes I cry just because it hurts.

I used to be on a higher dosage of tramadol, but it started causing major seizures, and since then we haven’t been able to find a combination of meds that allows me to work. I live in one of the hardest states to get disability, and I’ve pretty much given up on it; I’m lucky that I have family that is able to support me, but it’s a weary, heartsick thing to be constantly reminded that ultimately, I’m pretty useless and entirely dependent on my family’s grace and generosity, and I’ve struggled with severe depression and anxiety for years.

All of which is just to say, I understand, and thank you for sharing your story. I don’t often talk about my health either, and I’ve come to hate the ‘how are you?’ questions with a passion, because there is nothing to say other than ‘okay, hanging in there, same as always, etc.’ My brother is a huge believer in faith healing, and for ages insisted on praying for me every time he saw me if I was noticeably feeling the pain – with the expectation of full healing of course – but luckily he is one of the few people I have eventually been able to make understand that it’s not a question of me just not believing, or anything I’m at fault for, that sometimes God just says no. That full healing is never a guarantee here on this earth. It’s not anything we’ve done or are at fault for, necessarily – sometimes it just is, and we’re not going to know the reasons until we can ask him face to face.

I’m a little more contrary than you, though, I guess, because sometimes I do tell people about it just to force them to recognise and confront those uncomfortable realities, because they are reality, and a part of everyday life for so many people, for me, and I want them to realise what they have in the privilege of being able to ignore it. Maybe that makes me a bad person, but it makes me angry sometimes, the blithe way they just blow off things that are really, truly, severely uncomfortable and hard and painful, every single day, for me and so many others. It’s nice for them that they are able to do that, pretend that everything can be fixed and have a nice shiny happy ending, that God will save them from going through the hard things, but I don’t have that luxury. It’s not that I want anyone to feel sorry for me, I hate that, but I want them to realise how lucky they are, just how blessed. And how easily our positions could have been reversed.